Fighting the Good Fight

I skipped boxing last night because there has been a lot of stress in my little family and I thought it would be nice to take a night off from obligations and just ride around the park in the woods at night with my husband. I'm glad I did it, but when I got caught behind a slow truck on my way to boxing this afternoon and knew I was about to be late, I had to fight myself from turning around. I forced myself to keep driving, and when I got to the gym four minutes late, I made myself walk in with my tail between my legs and wrap my hands. Coach Jeff is as kind (to his students anyway) as they come, while still being directive and authoritative. We talk band stuff, because he used to be in the popular PA band Simon Says who played the college circuit in the 90's. I missed the jumprope warm-up but caught all the important lessons, and then finished with the jumprope at the end. To skip it is to only cheat myself. I deserve it to myself to put in the effort and make the most of my time. We all deserve it.

I came home, changed, and was working through the many emails and deadlines I've been pushing around like peas on a stubborn little kid's plate, when there was a knock on my door from my neighbor. I've only waved to her in passing, and one she's come to my door when her puppy ran away. She asked if I knew anyone who knew self defense, and I told her I didn't have any training like those Women's Self Defense classes (though I should really take one), but that I used to kickbox and I currently belong to a boxing gym and take classes there. She told me she wanted to learn how to get away from someone. I showed her a jab, cross, hook. We talked footwork and weight distribution, where power comes from, our arms and legs as mere vessels for the strength and force of our bodies.

She told me she was attacked at a party, how her friends blamed her, said, "When did it become rape?" "'When I said no,' I told them." How it's causing drama in her family now. How the men are getting more and more daring and all she wants is to be able to go somewhere at night and know she will be okay. It happened in a bathroom. She wants to be able to get someone to leave her alone. I told her the jab is the "get away from me" punch. She showed me a move her husband taught her, to catch someone's advance and pull them in close, then knee them in the head. We went over kicks. She told me about a video she saw online, where a woman strangled a guy with her purse strap. "That's what I want to learn how to do," she said.

My heavy bag has been leaning on my porch with nowhere to hang since I moved in here. She has one hanging from a tree. She has sparring gloves.

"I have more support from you and my coworkers than I do from my friends. What's that saying? The more you get to know yourself, the smaller your circle becomes? Well isn't that some truth."

My heart broke for her (for everyone) but we are both excited to have a training buddy to work out with and learn from. When I train, my head is clear, all I focus on is what my body is doing, what my opponent's body is doing. I'm not good, I'm not disciplined, I'm still learning. But I'm really, really excited to have the chance to help a woman regain her agency.

That is what sisterhood is all about.

REVIEW: Nathan's Zephyr Fire 100 hand Torch (that's a flashlight to us Americans)

I've been collecting a lot of products lately during and in preparation for my travels to Vermont, Colorado, Race Across the West, and Newfoundland's East Coast Trail. I've been testing for the past few months or so, and thought you'd like a peak at what I've been into and why. First on the list is:

Zephyr Fire 100 "hand torch" by Nathan.

The first time I heard the term "torch" used to imply "flashlight" was, I believe, in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, an incredible book that celebrates curiosity, the spirit of adventure, and the power of goodness (that's what I got out of it, anyway). I like that it's such an archaic, almost lazy term, since really, it is basically just an electric version of what people used to burn witches, hunt down Frankenstein's monster, and make sure they don't fall down the stairs while walking to the bathroom at night. I've done all those things with this modern day fire-on-a-stick, and there are noticeable upgrades since the days of Mary Shelley. Besides not burning anything down, whether accidental or not, here are some real bright sides:

• It's USB-charged. Not only can you charge it by your computer, you can also use any of the newer wall chargers that have a removable chord (just like most cell phones). This is also great if you are backpacking and traveling with a BioLite Camp Stove (review of that forthcoming!).

• The hand harness is really comfortable and easy to use even with bulky winter gloves or mittens. It's also adjustable for left or right handed use. I additionally appreciate the hand harness because when I'm not using the flashlight, I can wear it on my wrist so my hand is free without having to put down (i.e. lose) the flashlight in the dark.

• The rear light. It's such a simple addition to a classic flashlight but it means the world to people out at night in an area with other people and/or cars. It's very visible and I felt safe the whole time using it. This was obviously designed for runners, but the benefits are much more broad.

• The combination strobe light/emergency siren. They aren't the same button, but in my mind they serve the same purpose because I can't imagine running with a strobe light guiding my way, especially since the battery life of these things seems to be exceptionally long. If I were to fall off a cliff while hiking or trail running, the siren would (hopefully) alert people that there's someone in danger and the flashing light would help locate me visibly.

• The downward angle of the flashlight. It pairs well with the hands-free nature of the hand harness, as the flashlight is automatically angled at where I'm looking, without having to keep my hand in a certain position. 

There are a few negatives, however, though they certainly haven't turned me away from this great device:

• I wish it was a bit brighter. At 108 lumens, hiking in the woods with no moonlight still feels a bit dim. If my situation were a bit different, I may consider instead investing in the 359-lumen Zephyr 300. 

• The light and siren buttons are right on top of each other. I've hit the siren a few times in an effort to turn off the light, and it takes 2-3 seconds to turn anything on or off on this flashlight, so in an effort to be stealthy I made quite a ruckus.

• The rear light, while I love it, is really bright. If there's anyone running or hiking behind me, they are blinded by the red blinking orb bouncing three feet off the ground, which is neither safe nor enjoyable. I wish there was a way to turn off just the rear light.

All in all, I love this "torch" and it has proven useful on hikes, runs, dog walks, and even snow shoeing (though it took a bit of adjusting to figure out a good placement with the walking poles). I'm very happy with it and think it will last me a long time and many adventures.

Next on the mat is GoGo Gear's Kevlar Leggings.

Time For Ourselves

It's taken me a while to find time to update the blog. Posters, one of my many jobs, picked up, as did my writing work. It's been hard to get in every P90X workout, and something that's been causing me some contemplation is the purpose of the workouts, why I love this set of cheesy home exercise DVDs.

I constantly grapple with my own use of time. I'm a procrastinator when I don't take up a project or assignment head-on and right away; most of my editors say I'm a dream to work with, because I get things done so soon; I know myself well enough to know that if I don't do it immediately, I'll forget about it. That said, it leaves a lot of room to be constantly accepting assignments, as they're always finished ahead of deadline. A great problem to have, really. These assignments, of course, don't appear out of the blue, but come from networking and loads of research, reaching out to new people, building and maintaining relationships on all ends of the spectrum. I find myself looking at my Facebook, Instagram, and email almost constantly. It's addictive work, which isn't really something I thought I'd say about a job, but here we are.

How does this pertain to P90X? It's an hour of my day that isn't dedicated to work or social media. An hour for myself, completely, where I have to be in the moment. It's an active meditation. Before freelancing picked up, there was always time found in the day to meditate, time to clear my head and ground myself with my own goals and presence of being without the influence of outside forces. More time for art, love, nature. More time for health in all its forms. This mere 60-75 minutes, now, is a struggle to dig out, which makes it so much more important. Everyone wants something from us, and we can break parts of ourselves off, ad infinitum, if we choose, but its our choice, ultimately, to leave something or nothing for ourselves. Working out is my declaration that at least this small moment in my waking life is just mine. For 60-75 minutes. y attention is just towards myself. It isn't selfish to need time for ourselves, it's self-preservation.

After an incredibly challenging Thursday that including working all three current jobs (posters, journalism, teaching) and a bike ride with a loaded pack from the posters, I took all Thursday off. From everything. I didn't respond to emails, reach out to editors, write anything, fix anything. I didn't clean, I didn't engage in internet drama. A friend who lives down the street came over with his dog and we hung out in the back yard for a couple hours while our dogs wrestled in the mud, then I took a nap, did some stretches, and went out for ice cream at Page Dairy (which just opened for the season). It took the declaration of "this is a day off" to realize how hard I'd been working, how little time I'd had for myself, and how much I needed to just reboot and not put myself up to any expectations.

Today, though, the posters and emails are piling up, and Kenpo X is on deck. It's another rainy day here in Pittsburgh, my elbows, shoulder, and knee/shin are sore and swollen, but as Tony endorses, I'll do my best and forget the rest.

Three Cheers For My Weird Body

Tony Horton, I wish I knew how to quit you.

After some time away from my boyfriend, we are again together for a round of rolling on the floor and grunting, and finding strange and unsurpassable reasons to press the pause button. This time, I'm doing the Lean program, which focuses a bit more of core, cardio, and yoga, rather than bulky muscle. I kind of like having bulky muscle, but I'm trying to slim down a little from the winter weight I've been slowly accumulating like periwinkles under a dock since last winter when I dislocated my shoulder. Sure, I've been kickboxing, and raced bikes, and run the stairs (not as often as I should, at least this winter). But I feel all-over rather soft and doughy, rather than the animal body I felt when I was in the throws of P90X, especially the first go around.

Don't be fooled, though, kind readers. the Lean is still strengthening and muscle-building. Today's Core Synergistics had me doing probably 200 push-ups in varied forms (all harder and more complicated than the original, I promise you that). My measly 8-lb. weights began to feel heavy in some of the exercises. "But Carolyne," you may be saying, "you're such a weakling! You've said so yourself!" And you may be right, but from my perspective I'm still strong, I'm just a whole lot of other things as well.

This will be a good transition (as good as I'm willing to give you, anyway) for the other thing I've been thinking about lately. Modcloth did a great photo shoot recently that used their own employees to model their bathing suits. A lot of the deserved feedback resound of women feeling like their bodies were finally represented. It's important to have representation in photographs that are selling clothes — how will I know how this will look on me? (It looks great, by the way.) But it made me think about representation and my own perspectives on my body. I don't think my body can be represented. I'm awkward, I wear a 32-long pant leg and a small shirt, lengthwise. I'm muscly in some areas (namely my limbs) and doughy in others (this vague middle area). I love my body. I love what is can do, I love that it's mine and that no one really looks like me. I've earned every cell of fat or muscle, each pint of beer at the pub with friends or pint of ice cream at home alone, each "one more" run up the 36 flights of the Cathedral of Learning, each long way home on my bike or decision to run rather than walk through the park. It's all me, all mine.

The things I wish were different about my body aren't things that have to do with aesthetics. I wish my right side didn't light up in the dank Pittsburgh winter from all the times I've fallen on that side. I wish my epidermis wasn't numb, that I knew what this rash was that's all over my shoulders, neck, and chest, and that I still had as much energy as I did when I was 20. Oh well.

Even as a kid I didn't really judge myself, and I know I'm lucky for that. I had an older sister who was half my size and couldn't help but remind me of that all the time. But I'm lucky to have my parents, who made it a point to teach me that my sister and I couldn't be compared. I was heavier than my sister, but taller, different, my own person. And that was a great thing. It is a great thing. I still have a sister who is half my size, and I still love her and look up to her as she looks up to me (literally, because she's tiny.).

In fifth grade, a visitor came to class and asked us to each write down something we didn't like about ourselves. I couldn't think of anything, little brat that I was, so I put my eye color. My dad and I have always been a lot alike, but his eyes are blue and mine are brown and turn green when I'm upset. It doesn't bother me, but it was something that, sure, it could be changed I guess. A girl in my class, whose name I absolutely remember but I'll save her this memory, told me she could think of a lot of things she'd change about me. I don't remember whether she told me what they were, and certainly don't remember what I thought they might be, if anything. Why think about those things? I thought. I still think that, unless I buy a dress that I think will be my size and fit right because it fit the model, and the model looks nothing like me.

I feel the need to give this disclaimer in talking about doing the Lean program because I don't think people should feel bad in their bodies ever, unless there is something actually wrong that needs to be addressed. Do you feel bad because your appendix is about to burst? Get thee to a doctor! Do you feel bad because a waitress gave you a once over when you ordered fries with your burger? That sounds like a whole lot of her problem. But I like how I felt, on a physical level, when I was more fit. I liked feeling like a mammal, each muscle working towards a purpose of supporting another muscle, to propel my body forward for even the most basic actions. I didn't notice the physical change until I saw photos later, or until I started gaining some of that fat back (which I had sort of missed anyway).

I agree with the need for more representation, with the idea that having models all look the same is very dangerous because people are not built the same and will never achieve those beauty standards. But the word is Model. They are modeling clothes to show what they look like. It's helpful to have the models show what the clothes may actually look like on a variety of bodies, but don't take it as a representation of your own validity if you don't see yourself up there. You are your own body, my precious and beautiful reader. If you are tiny like my sister or muscular like me, if you are a feather or a whole hawk, if you have curves on curves on curves or are as linear as the Kansas horizon. It's your body. It isn't you, but it's your body. Learn it, love it, accept that it is probably weird and un-replicable. Now go out and make it do whatever it is that it does best.

The day I went outside for the sake of breathing (banana pancakes recipe)

It's been hard to get back into the groove of Pittsburgh living since my return at the beginning of the month. The over-stimulation of high speed internet, the constant noise and frustration of city life and a home under the highway, the smells and struggles of living in a working-poor neighborhood where the street never gets plowed because it will just pull up more chunks of concrete and cobblestone, the lack of structure, the demand for structure. Plus, my office chair just isn't as comfortable as the one in my old studio at the Vermont Studio Center (poor me, I know). There have been so many positive changes that have happened not only since this past summer, but in the two weeks since I've been home, but it can be difficult to keep that all in perspective, to prioritize time affectively, and to stay focused on the real goals in life.

Today, however, the sun was out. Those who live in the Southwest may not take their sunshine for granted, but I sometimes feel that those in New England do. It may be more grey there in the winter than in the summer, but it's a beautiful part of the world, and the sun is out more often than not, that cold blue winter sky that reminds you you're on Earth, that feels so warm in contrast to the frosty snap of wind on your nose. The sun is a brief relieve that we in Pittsburgh so rarely get. Today, however, was cold enough to bring out the sun, and I was sure to make the most of it.

E. and I went for a cross-country ski adventure in Frick Park, taking advantage of the small amount of snow we received the past two days. I would never tell my poor Bostonian friends and family (except here, publicly, where I can't be assaulted), but I am a bit jealous of all their snow. The grass is always whiter, I know, and I really do feel bad that they are trapped with inoperable public transit and limitless snowbanks that make driving perilous. That said, I will probably never get to use my snowshoes in the Pittsburgh area, and the inch of snow we have here now practically peeled off the grass with my skis like lint from a sweater with masking tape. On the hiking trails was a bit easier, since a lot of the snow was packed down. I had picked up my skis, boots, and poles last year at REI's winter garage sale for about $45 total, after I dislocated my shoulder and needed something active to do besides boxing or cycling. They were pretty much new, so they are a lot faster than E.'s old skis he bought off Craigslist. I found myself slowing down a lot (or attempting to) so that I wouldn't run him over, or being a bit intimidated by the changing elevation that's unavoidable in this area. Harder than that was going up, sliding back if my ski remained on the ground for a second longer than necessary as I waddled uphill. I only fell once, as I attempted to slow down and ran over a stick.

 

But just skiing wasn't enough on a day as refreshing as this. I came home and my poor dog was so lonesome, knowing we had spent a few hours outside without him. He hates the cold, but when the sun is out, everything looks so warm, and the heat from the sun's reflection off the snow comes through the window and I know he thinks it's finally nice out again. So I bundled him in a fleece and we headed into Schenley Park, the woods behind my house. It was such a beautiful day, and we ran and slid through our private trail we'd dug, up to the top of the hill. His paws were cold and he insisted on walking on the sidewalk once we reached the top. Within moments, he was stalling and holding up his paws in pain, the salt having burned wounds into his cold pads. I brushed them off and eventually coerced him to walk with me in the snow, and we went further back into the woods, where the trails were padded with snow and we could run freely (on our leash, of course— we're both prone to running away). It was nice to be out of the house and enjoying the outdoors. I think it's something that's been especially bothersome for me as I sink back into Pittsburgh life. I ran the stairs last night, and have been going to kickboxing, but it's not quite the same as a few hours outside in the fresh air and the tranquility of trees. I've found myself no longer dreaming of Santa Fe every night, but often dreaming of Johnson, VT as well. These are sweet reliefs from the sadder dreams, but when I wake up, I'm filled with a longing I can't shake, for a landscape that brought me such quietude I can't seem to muster in my own environment here.

No blog post is truly complete without a recipe, of course, so here's one which is almost exactly like the one from Vega's site. The only changes is I use All-In-One and they use protein powder, and they use coconut oil and I use Earth Balance. Also, I'm heavy on the cinnamon because it's delicious and really good for you. Among other things, it helps break down sugars and combat inflammation. 

Vegan Banana Boost Pancakes

• 1 large banana, mashed
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup milk of choice (I use unsweetened vanilla almond milk)
• 1 cup gluten-free all-purpose flour (I like Mama's almond flour mix)
• 1 serving Vega One Nutritional Shake Vanilla Chai
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon
• 1 Tbsp Earth Balance (or oil of choice)

Mix together mashed banana, vanilla, and milk in small bowl and set aside. In large bowl, mix flour, shake mix, baking powder, baking soda, and cinnamon. Add banana mixture slowly, and mix until just blended. Add more milk as needed. I added about 1/8 cup milk at the beginning of making pancakes, and as the batter sat as I made the first round, the batter thickened and I added some water. Heat pan on medium heat, add oil to pan, and cook those babies up, flipping once the glorious pancake bubbles appear.

These cakes are sweet enough on their own, from the banana and the stevia in the shake mix, but your topping of choice would only sweeten the deal even more. This recipe fed me well for two mornings.

First day back at the bag

With the sun back in the sky and love in my heart, I was today able to finally get to kickboxing. I knew going into it that I'm not in the shape I once was, that I'm not as strong or as svelt. It's not that I've been scared to go back to class, but there were always excuses — usually decent ones, in my defense, like illness or injury, but also weak ones like not enough time or feeling tired —that I wrongly convinced myself were worth listening to.

But today I set an alarm for an early class so that I'd make it to at least the afternoon class, and made myself go. There weren't very many people there, only 7 plus the instructors. One of the instructors and all the attendees were strangers to me, but I instantly fell into the groove of warming up, smiling through side plank, and feeling thankful for the relief of mere jumping jacks. By the time we got to our first round of jab-cross, I was already tired, but excited to be back at the bag again.

What surprised me was how tired my legs were after the warm-up squats and lung jumps. Typically my legs are incredibly strong and even after an hour round of kickboxing, they're still ready to ride up some Pittsburgh hills or at least take the dog for a long walk. My legs were shaking. When we started kicking, I dug deep into myself and found saved energy even though parts of me wanted to crumble into a ball and lay there for dead.

Between every other round, I ran to my water bottle, my throat dry and desperate for water. "How does everyone feel?" Coach Jenny said as the bell rang after three hard minutes of uppercuts. "Tired!" I shouted back. "Good," she said, "that means you're doing it right."

Strange fact about me: I have a series of situations in which I imagine almost everyone I meet. One of those is in an attack situation. How they'd try to attack me, how I'd counter-attack. I always prided myself on my strength, but moreso my stamina. As class went on, I felt myself losing power like a battery, each punch and kick a bit less powerful, less quick, and each block a bit less accurate. I was disappointed, and again dug deeper to find that person I know I can be, who can fight through pain and come out kicking and punching and screaming. At speed round, I pushed all my pain, all my weakness to the back of my brain and charged at my bag with as much speed and speed and strength as I could muster.

I know I have to keep going to kickboxing class. I want to get back into the shape I was before I dislocated my shoulder. It was over a year ago, but it through my training regimen off so much that it's been difficult to find a new rhythm. I'm thankful I have a place to go that pushes and supports me, and that's always there when I'm ready to dive back in. I look forward to Thursday, and I hope I don't sabotage myself and miss class for some dumb reason like I'm scared of the pain of realizing how weak I am. I already realize that, so the only thing I have to do is face up to it.

Cabin Fever

Though I've been able to get out and moving these past few weeks in Vermont, I admit I am starting to feel a little bit of cabin fever. I typically have been going for a walk in the morning in between breakfast and lunch, and then working from lunch until about midnight, stopping for dinner and maybe a quick drink with friends. But it's been not only cold, but icy, and I promised myself I wouldn't slip on the ice while I'm here because, well, I hate slipping on ice. Maybe it's the added pain of my bruised ego, but falling on the ice is often more painful than just tripping somewhere. On the positive, I've also had a hard time getting away from my work, and have been writing my little heart out. By the time I'm at a stopping point, it's not a good time to exercise.

Also, I'm lazy, which is something new about myself that I've learned here in Vermont. Thanks, New England.

I have been snowshoeing, though, and taking walks along the river— often breaking trail to catch some gorgeous views and off the beaten path.

It's been nice being away from the noise and clutter of city life, and I'm interested to see how I adapt to being around so many people and noises again. I've been writing a lot about New Mexico, and it seems increasingly where I need to be in the world. All in due time, I suppose. In the meantime, I need more exercises I can do in my studio that are quiet, use no equipment, and require no amount of real space. I found this video from Fitness Blender, who have a number of other great low-impact workouts but this is a great short one to keep my blood flowing:

My SoleusGo is constantly reminding me to MOVE when I'm sitting at my desk plugging away, so these short little videos and workouts such as the one I posted earlier in my blog are great to get the butt out of the seat, if only for a few minutes.

Maybe today will be the day I go for a run? It's supposed to get as warm as 29 degrees today, which feels steamy after the -20 nights and 1 degree mornings to which I've grown accustomed.

If you live in a cold climate year-round, what do you do to stay active and happy?

Inside Voices

The river, which has been positively gushing, is now at a calm. the banks have opened slightly as the temperature has crested 10 degreesF and the winds have calmed. The past few days have been astonishingly cold, reaching down as low at -20 at night with a windchill of -50 (to say "feels like" is nonsensical to me, because I don't think I can tell much the difference between super friggin cold and really super friggin cold). What's strange is that I don't mind it. I need to remember to zip up my jacket all the way and put my gloves on even just to cross the street, but otherwise it's beautiful and frankly pleasant. However, that doesn't mean I want to exercise in what is essentially -50 degrees, so I went back into my notes and used my brain a little bit (a surprise to me as well) to come up with an exercise I could do myself that wouldn't wake my fellow residents who may be trying to sleep or work. A website I respect is 12 Minute Athlete, which name is pretty self explanatory. I had bookmarked in my phone a workout Krista, who runs the site, posted last year that does not include any equipment and is relatively silent (no jumping), so it's perfect for my situation. I used a timer app to set intervals, though when I do it next time I will program it differently so I get a better all around workout. The workout can be found here, and is comprised of variants of pushups and squats — both full-body exercises that get the heart rate up with out causing a commotion (aside from the inevitable grunts and swears) — and wraps up with some supplemental core work.

Additionally, I added a set of low-impact burpees— no jumping, and utilizing the yoga transition from forward bend to low plank in my burpee transition, which is harder and slower, something I can appreciate when I'm doing smaller reps and trying to be quiet.

Even though it was a short workout, about 15 minutes, I still broke a pretty good sweat! While I prefer to be outside, there are times when it can be dangerous, and it's nice to have a back-up plan. Outside is free, but so is using the space we already occupy.

In my studio, I can get in the zone writing, and am thankful for my little Soleus Go! that reminds me to move when I've been stagnant. Sometimes I ignore it because you don't walk away from the table on a heater, but if I'm just fighting through my own procrastination, the reminder is good to get away from my desk and do some stretching. My go-to is Bird Dog, an ab workout that is very simple and stabilizing, and again doesn't require any equipment or jumping. I do 2 sets of 15 on each side, alternating the sides.

If you work at a desk, or travel often and need a simple and quiet workout, I'm interested in what your go-to routine is. Post it in the comments!

Here We Come A Waffle-ing!

A friend of mine came by today to help me with some computer issues, with some programs that stopped working....last year. Since I have a few projects on my wings I needed to finally take those programs to task and get some help. Adam to the rescue! Just like Ina Garten, I rose beautifully to the occasion, making vegan (except for the honey) gluten free waffles. Adam is neither vegan nor gluten free. We do have a history of waffles, though, dating back to 2009 or so, when I told him a story about my grandmother's waffle iron that was stolen from me, and he got a bunch of our friends to pitch in for a replacement. Making him waffles brings to memory every previous waffle breakfast we've shared, and the friendship that's covers us like sweet syrup (awwh!). Also, my neighbor is a bee keeper and someone else gave us some honey they didn't want, so we are in major abundance here at the Hornet's Nest (what E. and I call our home). If you are apolitical about honey or local honey, I implore you (yeah I went there) to find a local bee keeper in your area to support. Raw local honey is great for fighting seasonal/outdoor allergies because they contain a small amount of the pollens that make us sneezy and glassy-eyed, working like a natural vaccine.  It also helps with digestive issues, is good as a topical salve, and is full of vitamins and nutrients. Like, jam packed. Plus, bees are in a pretty rough state, which you probably figured out from Dr. Who, due to all the pesticides and genetically engineered foods.

ANYWAY, I found this recipe online at Minimalist Baker, because I can never keep my recipes straight, and I think they came out wonderfully for being so basic. Just 7 (or so) ingredients, with a great texture. I will say that some of the edges cooked better than others, and the coconut oil started to firm again immediately upon pouring into the milk mixture, so add it last and stir right away, then combine wet and dry ingredients immediately. I would also cut the oil a bit next time, because these were a bit greasy. Of course, coconut oil has a number of health benefits and tastes great, so I'm not complaining, but it's an easy edit on the recipe. I'll do 3 tablespoons next time, as opposed to 1/4 cup. Below is my edited recipe. Also, I thawed some frozen berries and included them as well. 

• 1 1/4 cup unsweetened vanilla coconut milk + 1 tsp apple cider vinegar (to make buttermilk) (white vinegar works as well, but Braggs apple cider vinegar has more health benefits)
• 3 Tbs coconut oil, melted
• 1/4 cup honey (if you are vegan, any liquid sweetener will do)
• heaping 1/2 cup gluten free rolled oats
• 1 3/4 cups almond flour blend
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• pinch sea salt
• 1/2 cup berries (if frozen, thaw first)

Mix milk and vinegar together in small bowl and let sit. Meanwhile, mix together dry ingredients in large mixing bowl. Melt coconut oil. Add honey or other liquid sweetener to milk, then coconut oil, whisking while adding. Quickly mix into dry ingredients until it's all wet. Gently stir in berries. Let sit for a moment while waffle iron heats up, then cook per iron's instructions.

I was planning on running the stairs tonight, but my knee suddenly gave out on me. Not really sure what's going on with it, but it's unlike any sensation I've had before. It felt like the cartilage or a tendon, though who can really tell that sort of thing I suppose. I did a yoga ab workout DVD, and topped it with some ab exercises I found in a Huffington Post article. Of course, these are pretty rudimentary if you've done HIIT workouts or have gone through a training regimen in the past few years, but seeing them all at once was a refreshing break away from the go-to exercises that sometimes upset my back. I'll probably put in another set of reps before I go to bed. Or I might just eat another spoonful of peanut butter and honey and call it a night.

Here's a SUPER SIMPLE juice recipe, for good measure. Just in case you're not satisfied with waffles and peanut-butter-and-honey spoonfuls. Also, did you know you can now purchase bags of "juicing greens" with spinach and baby kale? The bag has a picture of a blender on it, so you may be confused at the store. But they do juice well.

• Greens (baby kale and spinach is what I used)
• 2 apples
• 3 carrots
• (I wanted to add ginger but didn't have any, but theoretically it would have been awesome)

Juice carrots, then greens, then apples. Serves 2, so invite a friend over (I didn't give any to Adam, he already went home).

**As an aside, I'm not ashamed to say I'm watching the second Christmas movie of the day. First was Scrooged, and now Ernest Saves Christmas. If you haven't seen Ernest Saves Christmas since you were eight, I highly, highly suggest doing yourself the great favor of spending a rainy day relaxing with this lighthearted romp.

chocolate cake asana

Whew! This has been a really busy month for me! Lots of essays and articles getting picked up, Thanksgiving, E.'s birthday, end of the cyclocross season, and a few dramatic shifts in weather. It's all  been great (well, the weather has been a little annoying, but it is December now), but I fear my fitness is starting to wane. Especially with that chocolate cake that's been slowly disintegrating in the refrigerator as E. and I break tiny pieces off throughout the days. Plus, I try not to get political here, but the stresses of the recent verdicts have been weighing heavy on my head, heart, and shoulders. I feel compelled to write something, but paralyzed with the question of validity in regards to what I have to say.

So last night, I unrolled the yoga mat that has been giving me the stink eye from the corner of the room all month, popped in the long Power Yoga DVD, and settled in to 75 minutes with my boy Rodney Yee. A few observations: I am stronger than I thought I was. Even stronger than I remember being. Poses that usually give me a hard time, especially just starting out again— plank to pushup to upward dog, warrior 3, half moon pose, and even the basic downward dog and warriors 1 and 2 have been known to be a challenge when I've been coming in cold, years previous— were surprisingly easy, and I could move through each one, and hold each one, smoothly and with calm breath. What I did notice though is that my flexibility has significantly lessened. Other poses I'd taken for granted, such as twisted half lotus, camel, and wheel, were painful and sometimes unachievable the way my body once did them with such ease. And maybe it's just getting older, but the pains in my right side have moved to my left. My guess is it's because I've been subconsciously nursing that side, fearful to cause myself more pain. It's interesting that I felt the strange pressures not only in my butt and hip, but also in my elbow. One of my big bike crashes did leave me with grapefruit sized elbows when I landed straight on the unsuspecting joints upon hitting the pavement, but it was years ago and usually they're only sore when I lean on them (reading in bed is forever an upside-down hobby from here on out). I feel great today, and realize that in order to make myself more flexible, I need to stretch more. I can't run up the Cathedral of Learning six times without first warming up and stretching before and afterwards. Hell, at 32 (and a half) with as many bike, skateboard, rollerblade, hockey, moshing and other crashes and bashes I've had, I shouldn't make it out of my bedroom without doing at least a sun salutation.

Meanwhile, I've been giddy with excitement over my upcoming monthlong retreat in Johnson, Vermont at the Vermont Studio Center. On the wellness end of things, there is a meditation building, daily morning yoga, and the ability to sign up for a month-long or 10-day membership to the Johnson College gym, which has a pool as well as all other gym amenities. Being Vermont, however, there will also be the opportunity to go skiing (downhill and cross country) snowboarding, and snowshoeing, though I will probably stick to the flatlands due to the cost of lift tickets, etc. The food is catered with as much local provisions as possible, and there are vegetarian meals about half the time. I'm a little concerned about this, and will be bringing along my Vega Protein and Greens, and am considering buying some About Time Ve, which is the vegan/gluten free/soy free protein of a local nutrition company. A couple years ago, they sponsored E's cycling team, but the team fell through and with it went our supply.

I know it's early, but in the interest of being proactive and mindful, I'm going to start my list of resolutions for 2015 now. Hopefully I make it to the New Year before giving up.

• daily yoga
• eat only when I'm hungry, but eat whenever I'm hungry
• be mindful in my interactions with people I love, and even more mindful of my interactions with people I distrust or dislike
• be fearless in my writing
• be daring in my submissions of writing to journals
• remember to get fresh air every day; wearing layers and keeping moving makes a world of difference
• remember that the reason I steer away from certain foods is because it makes me feel bad (physically or emotionally), and measure whether I want to feel bad for the sake of something that is easy or tastes good
• love myself and embrace my foibles and follies, because they are part of the human experience
• find pleasure in things that are uncomfortable; if no pleasure can be found, change the thing

Roadside Attractions (to be or not to be)

I drove to Washington, D.C., yesterday for the Women & Biking Social Event, sponsored by Rose Physical Therapy and headlined by Molly Hurford and Peter Glassford. I'll get to the event (which was awesome) in a moment, but a big problem so many people have with road trips is maintaining nutrition. I both passed and failed at this, in the way life is a series of grey areas, and maybe talking it out will help us all learn together what can be done differently. Truth be told, I did know what I was doing wrong as I was doing it - the lesson is in listening to that voice that say, "you can just walk away now and no one will know you were here."

So I left the house around 7:30 and the drive was beautiful. Before I left, I uploaded some new music onto my phone, made a bunch of coffee, concocted a quick shake, and threw a few sports bars in my bag, knowing nutrition would be an issue for the long day of driving and seminars.

The good news is that I didn't need to stop at Starbucks or pick up some crappy and chemical breakfast food on the go. I also stopped halfway through to grab some fresh air, relax my eyes (and bladder), and do some quick calisthenics. Sitting in a car for that long - sitting anywhere, especially at a slant - really upsets my tailbone and getting up and moving can relieve some of that pressure from my spine and make my muscles relax. I'm starting to figure out that when my tailbone hurts, especially now that I'm also coordinating with an injured shoulder, and the weather is colder, it affect other parts of my body, including the middle of my back. When the muscles in the middle of my back are tightened, they pull at my spine and make the stenosis painful, and it's easy for my to feel the debilitating pinched nerve I so fear. I should have done more, stopped more often, but I was nervous about potential traffic in DC and didn't want to try my good luck. I stretched out some muscles and got the blood flowing on the side of the highway, and that's at least a good start.

A couple moves I like to do that aren't too distracting to other travelers: cross-legged jumping jacks (with or without arms, depending on how my shoulder is feeling), one-legged squats, and jump lunges. These can all be done next to the car without having to touch the ground, which can be covered in broken glass or other unpleasantries, and don't attract too much attention. On longer trips, I've also carried a kettle bell.

We had a lunch scheduled, and I had timed my shake and half bar so I'd get hungry right at 1, so that I wouldn't be snacking on unhealthy bits or too ravenous at lunch. This kind or worked out, as I was hungry right around 1 p.m., but lunch was significantly (from my stomach's perception of time) delayed, and I started to get hangry. Luckily, I still had the other half of the bar left in my bag and no heads rolled, nor were tears shed - a legit victory. 

As a group, we went to Shake Shack, another sponsor of the event, but they didn't have anything that was both vegetarian AND gluten free, so I got french fries. Having a whole day in the car, being stagnant, fries wasn't the best option, but I was in a bit of a bind, as everyone else was already eating. So that was the first misstep. I will say, though, that those fries were damn good and definitely filled me up, despite the small portion. I suppose an immediate injection of ~1000 calories will do that to a body.

Fortunately, Rose PT had an incredible spread of food, including a warm bean dip, hummus, tortilla chips, and fresh vegetables. This was a great switch and a healthy provider of aminos, fats, salt, carbs, and more. The second misstep was that they also had candy spread around the room. I took a couple modest handfuls of jelly beans and kept my distance from the rest. Then the pumpkin custard was brought out. By the time I needed to hit the road for the long drive back to the 'Burgh, Claire, the owner of the center, had filled a cup of caffeinated tea and another of jelly beans and chocolate covered espresso beans. That's when I knew I had officially failed the "healthy travels" portion of the blog post I was previously excited to write. On the drive home, I was slightly disappointed with myself for the snacking, and mainly driven to get home and not freeze my butt off. The temperature had dropped to 23 degrees, according to a man at the Somerset rest stop who just announced that to the air as if his divine watcher had asked. When I come up with a series of exercises that can be done inside without causing total embarrassment, or even in the car, I will certainly let you all know.