We Are All Walking Skeletons, Wrapped In Sacred Shawls of Flesh (ewwww)

Tonight, my best friend told me a story about her young nephew, who has been obsessed with skeletons.

"Does this monkey have vertebrae?" Yes. "What about T-Rex?" Mmhmm! "And how about Bacon the cat?" He sure does. Did you know you also have vertebrae, Shane? — The toddler's eyes grew wide as he held out his arms in front of himself, for the first time aware of his own skeleton, even though his interest was sparked by a to cage at-shirt my friend gave him for Halloween.

After she told me the cute story, I couldn't help but feel my own body, the miracle that is my skeleton, and life suddenly seemed so much less straight forward, such an elusive concept. How do we make ourselfs move about in this world, controlling our beautiful skeletons with thoughts and dreams? I thought about food and health and the body's insistance on living even in the worst health, and how sometimes we just lose all control and the machine breaks down. 

Life is such an odd, beautiful thing. We breathe, we love, we dream, and in between we are consistently alive, for some incredible reason, with complete control over the body, except when it controls us.

As the New Year approaches, be kind to your one miraculous body. Love your aches and pains and weaknesses, love your fat and clumsiness, love each precious breathe you've somehow figured out how to take and process, you incredible living genius organism.

Clearing the Air (Between Our Ears)

We all know it: holidays are stressful. There’s no one in their good, right mind who approaches holidays with a completely open heart who then leaves the holidays with that same good will and lack of judgment or feeling of having been judged. Family is important. It reminds us who we are, who and where we come from, who we strive to be and, more importantly, not to be.

Even the best families can be taxing, though, and it's important to respect that stress and address it before it manifests into anger or unhealthy habits. Whenever I visit with my family, I rediscover my love of running. My folks live near Wompatuck State Park, and just an hour or two in those woods clears my head and ready’s me for the continued discussions in which I don’t necessarily want to participate. Yesterday, after a hard day of writing and research, I laced up my trail running shoes, borrowed my dad’s car (hey, I'm still his daughter), and headed to the woods.

I wish I found solace here years ago, growing up the black sheep of the town, nevermind my family, and needing a place to go where no one commented on the color of my hair which was everchanging or the contents of my poetry which is still evolving. Instead I hid under furniture and later built an old 3-speed English cruiser I picked up at a yard sale and rode it into the city. That became my meditative state, listening to the cars pass so swiftly on my left, maneuvering the cold Massachusetts air and my brittle artist heart. Had I found the woods, the journey to quiet would have been much shorter, I’m sure, but at least I still got some fresh air and some good stories out of it. I'd likely be a different person, maybe a bit more content to find stillness and hold it. I like who I am, I appreciate the attention to my surroundings that was fostered by riding the back roads through Quincy and Dorchester, but as an adult, the woods settle my soul like a warm tea. The ringing in my ears dims, if only a little, and I can hear my own breath puffing through the beats of my feet in time to the music in my headphones.

I dropped off my husband at the airport the day before, and as a consolation prize, bought myself some new headphones, the Yurbuds VentureTalk. The earbuds are comfortable, the cords don’t get tangled, and the buds have magnets on the back to easily control them when they aren’t in my ears. I didn’t receive a call to test the microphone and volume, but the sound quality was perfect for everything from Mortals to MIA. What’s best, I could still hear my footsteps as I pounded pavement and crunched through frosted leaves and puddles. There was no one in the woods, as the sun was setting and the gates were closed to cars, except for one lone mountain biker heading back to his car and an older couple sitting on a bench by a creek. It was nice to have the road to myself, to not worry too much about bikes or dogs blowing through on the trails, to focus and unfocus my eyes like apertures, to try to get myself lost and found, lost and found, weaving on and off the trails.

My sister recently told me about her time of meditation, the drive home from church on Sundays. She takes the long way as her daughters sleep, following the quiet roads that hug the shoreline. It takes her three or four hours and on a Sunday afternoon, there’s barely anyone on these small town back roads. She can’t unfocus her eyes, but her mind drifts in and out of true awareness. It’s here she’s able to truly focus on her life in the moment. The baby, whose just learned to walk this week, isn’t going to bang her head against a table corner, her toddler isn’t going to jump and crack her head open or have her feelings hurt at school. Her own dramas, for just these few hours a week, fade into the distance where they belong.

Here on the trail, shoes muddy and heart open, I am here in the present, I am here in the distance, where I belong.

New yoga studio

Winter has settled into me quickly. In addition to the crushing depression brought on by the chapping winds, freezing rain, and lack of sun, my joints have started their annual swelling and aching. It's probably made worse by all the holiday food in such abundance, but luckily I have an ace up my sleeve: I found a new yoga studio. Inner Hearth Yoga in Point Breeze is a tiny studio above Make Your Mark Coffee on Reynolds Street. They provide mats, blocks, and straps if you need them, and also have blankets and eye pillows (which I didn't use, but I appreciate). The blankets were offered mainly to people who were having difficulties warming up right away, as additional padding and leverage for sitting. What a novel idea! The instructor, Max, is a student, so the class was only $5 (the reason I went), however it was the best yoga class I've had in a while, and a great change from all the DVDs I've been using for my practice. Max pulled a muscle in his shoulder a month ago, so the workout was largely ab-based, but still included vinyasa. E. came (actually, to be fair, he brought me), and in addition to us, there were three other people in class, and we sort of practiced all facing the center of the room, which means we all faced each other. It was a refreshing way to structure the class and allowed everyone to see the instructor, plus lighten up a bit as we made awkward eye contact for a brief moment in time and smiled. Most importantly, the small class in the tiny, warm studio allowed Max to watch each of us modest yogis in our postures and posturing, and guide our bodies into correct and glorious alignment.

Here We Come A Waffle-ing!

A friend of mine came by today to help me with some computer issues, with some programs that stopped working....last year. Since I have a few projects on my wings I needed to finally take those programs to task and get some help. Adam to the rescue! Just like Ina Garten, I rose beautifully to the occasion, making vegan (except for the honey) gluten free waffles. Adam is neither vegan nor gluten free. We do have a history of waffles, though, dating back to 2009 or so, when I told him a story about my grandmother's waffle iron that was stolen from me, and he got a bunch of our friends to pitch in for a replacement. Making him waffles brings to memory every previous waffle breakfast we've shared, and the friendship that's covers us like sweet syrup (awwh!). Also, my neighbor is a bee keeper and someone else gave us some honey they didn't want, so we are in major abundance here at the Hornet's Nest (what E. and I call our home). If you are apolitical about honey or local honey, I implore you (yeah I went there) to find a local bee keeper in your area to support. Raw local honey is great for fighting seasonal/outdoor allergies because they contain a small amount of the pollens that make us sneezy and glassy-eyed, working like a natural vaccine.  It also helps with digestive issues, is good as a topical salve, and is full of vitamins and nutrients. Like, jam packed. Plus, bees are in a pretty rough state, which you probably figured out from Dr. Who, due to all the pesticides and genetically engineered foods.

ANYWAY, I found this recipe online at Minimalist Baker, because I can never keep my recipes straight, and I think they came out wonderfully for being so basic. Just 7 (or so) ingredients, with a great texture. I will say that some of the edges cooked better than others, and the coconut oil started to firm again immediately upon pouring into the milk mixture, so add it last and stir right away, then combine wet and dry ingredients immediately. I would also cut the oil a bit next time, because these were a bit greasy. Of course, coconut oil has a number of health benefits and tastes great, so I'm not complaining, but it's an easy edit on the recipe. I'll do 3 tablespoons next time, as opposed to 1/4 cup. Below is my edited recipe. Also, I thawed some frozen berries and included them as well. 

• 1 1/4 cup unsweetened vanilla coconut milk + 1 tsp apple cider vinegar (to make buttermilk) (white vinegar works as well, but Braggs apple cider vinegar has more health benefits)
• 3 Tbs coconut oil, melted
• 1/4 cup honey (if you are vegan, any liquid sweetener will do)
• heaping 1/2 cup gluten free rolled oats
• 1 3/4 cups almond flour blend
• 1 1/2 tsp baking powder
• pinch sea salt
• 1/2 cup berries (if frozen, thaw first)

Mix milk and vinegar together in small bowl and let sit. Meanwhile, mix together dry ingredients in large mixing bowl. Melt coconut oil. Add honey or other liquid sweetener to milk, then coconut oil, whisking while adding. Quickly mix into dry ingredients until it's all wet. Gently stir in berries. Let sit for a moment while waffle iron heats up, then cook per iron's instructions.

I was planning on running the stairs tonight, but my knee suddenly gave out on me. Not really sure what's going on with it, but it's unlike any sensation I've had before. It felt like the cartilage or a tendon, though who can really tell that sort of thing I suppose. I did a yoga ab workout DVD, and topped it with some ab exercises I found in a Huffington Post article. Of course, these are pretty rudimentary if you've done HIIT workouts or have gone through a training regimen in the past few years, but seeing them all at once was a refreshing break away from the go-to exercises that sometimes upset my back. I'll probably put in another set of reps before I go to bed. Or I might just eat another spoonful of peanut butter and honey and call it a night.

Here's a SUPER SIMPLE juice recipe, for good measure. Just in case you're not satisfied with waffles and peanut-butter-and-honey spoonfuls. Also, did you know you can now purchase bags of "juicing greens" with spinach and baby kale? The bag has a picture of a blender on it, so you may be confused at the store. But they do juice well.

• Greens (baby kale and spinach is what I used)
• 2 apples
• 3 carrots
• (I wanted to add ginger but didn't have any, but theoretically it would have been awesome)

Juice carrots, then greens, then apples. Serves 2, so invite a friend over (I didn't give any to Adam, he already went home).

**As an aside, I'm not ashamed to say I'm watching the second Christmas movie of the day. First was Scrooged, and now Ernest Saves Christmas. If you haven't seen Ernest Saves Christmas since you were eight, I highly, highly suggest doing yourself the great favor of spending a rainy day relaxing with this lighthearted romp.

chocolate cake asana

Whew! This has been a really busy month for me! Lots of essays and articles getting picked up, Thanksgiving, E.'s birthday, end of the cyclocross season, and a few dramatic shifts in weather. It's all  been great (well, the weather has been a little annoying, but it is December now), but I fear my fitness is starting to wane. Especially with that chocolate cake that's been slowly disintegrating in the refrigerator as E. and I break tiny pieces off throughout the days. Plus, I try not to get political here, but the stresses of the recent verdicts have been weighing heavy on my head, heart, and shoulders. I feel compelled to write something, but paralyzed with the question of validity in regards to what I have to say.

So last night, I unrolled the yoga mat that has been giving me the stink eye from the corner of the room all month, popped in the long Power Yoga DVD, and settled in to 75 minutes with my boy Rodney Yee. A few observations: I am stronger than I thought I was. Even stronger than I remember being. Poses that usually give me a hard time, especially just starting out again— plank to pushup to upward dog, warrior 3, half moon pose, and even the basic downward dog and warriors 1 and 2 have been known to be a challenge when I've been coming in cold, years previous— were surprisingly easy, and I could move through each one, and hold each one, smoothly and with calm breath. What I did notice though is that my flexibility has significantly lessened. Other poses I'd taken for granted, such as twisted half lotus, camel, and wheel, were painful and sometimes unachievable the way my body once did them with such ease. And maybe it's just getting older, but the pains in my right side have moved to my left. My guess is it's because I've been subconsciously nursing that side, fearful to cause myself more pain. It's interesting that I felt the strange pressures not only in my butt and hip, but also in my elbow. One of my big bike crashes did leave me with grapefruit sized elbows when I landed straight on the unsuspecting joints upon hitting the pavement, but it was years ago and usually they're only sore when I lean on them (reading in bed is forever an upside-down hobby from here on out). I feel great today, and realize that in order to make myself more flexible, I need to stretch more. I can't run up the Cathedral of Learning six times without first warming up and stretching before and afterwards. Hell, at 32 (and a half) with as many bike, skateboard, rollerblade, hockey, moshing and other crashes and bashes I've had, I shouldn't make it out of my bedroom without doing at least a sun salutation.

Meanwhile, I've been giddy with excitement over my upcoming monthlong retreat in Johnson, Vermont at the Vermont Studio Center. On the wellness end of things, there is a meditation building, daily morning yoga, and the ability to sign up for a month-long or 10-day membership to the Johnson College gym, which has a pool as well as all other gym amenities. Being Vermont, however, there will also be the opportunity to go skiing (downhill and cross country) snowboarding, and snowshoeing, though I will probably stick to the flatlands due to the cost of lift tickets, etc. The food is catered with as much local provisions as possible, and there are vegetarian meals about half the time. I'm a little concerned about this, and will be bringing along my Vega Protein and Greens, and am considering buying some About Time Ve, which is the vegan/gluten free/soy free protein of a local nutrition company. A couple years ago, they sponsored E's cycling team, but the team fell through and with it went our supply.

I know it's early, but in the interest of being proactive and mindful, I'm going to start my list of resolutions for 2015 now. Hopefully I make it to the New Year before giving up.

• daily yoga
• eat only when I'm hungry, but eat whenever I'm hungry
• be mindful in my interactions with people I love, and even more mindful of my interactions with people I distrust or dislike
• be fearless in my writing
• be daring in my submissions of writing to journals
• remember to get fresh air every day; wearing layers and keeping moving makes a world of difference
• remember that the reason I steer away from certain foods is because it makes me feel bad (physically or emotionally), and measure whether I want to feel bad for the sake of something that is easy or tastes good
• love myself and embrace my foibles and follies, because they are part of the human experience
• find pleasure in things that are uncomfortable; if no pleasure can be found, change the thing